Have you ever met a person who you started being friends with a while ago, and even though he hasn't been the best of friends, you continue to hang out with him? Well hopefully this will help you to be a good friend to people who are unable to be there for you like you have been/would be for them. Notice the terms "can't" and "unable", as opposed to "won't" and "unwilling". That's because there are people with emotional blocks that keep them from being supportive.
Steps
- Identify why a person can't be a supportive friend. Your friend may have psychological problems, such as depression, insecurity, paranoia, anger problems, or being too possessive. Or your friend may be psychologically healthy, but has decided over time that they would prefer a more casual friendship with you than you would like with them. These are two very different situations.
- Identify what you're not getting from your friend that you want.
- Talk with your friend about your hopes and wishes about the friendship and their hopes and wishes and accept where they overlap and where they don't.
- Accept where your friend is with the friendship and adjust your investment in the friendship to meet that. Do not over-give to someone to try to get something back. This is manipulative and can cause you to become resentful.
- If a friend is obviously very distressed, and not treating you well, it is appropriate to set limits on what you'll tolerate and the time you'll spend with them. If you think they are having severe psychological problems, it would be good idea to check with a mental health professional or even your own doctor about how best to approach your friend about getting treatment.
- Treat your friend with respect. Do not judge. It's okay for them to be how they are and/or going through a difficult time. It's not okay for them to be abusive, but its okay for them to not meet your needs. You are responsible for meeting your own needs.
- Try accepting your friend with a positive attitude. Thank your friend for the friendship that they do show toward you.
- Make sure you have plenty of other support from other people in your life so that you are not so focused on what you are not getting from one friend. Make sure you are supporting yourself. If you feel you have an extra need for support, join a support group, see a therapist, do good things for yourself. etc.
- If your friend is going through a difficult time, do not play counselor. That can be condescending. Listening and sharing caring statements can be helpful.
Tips
- If your friend is making a lot of statements that show discouragement or despair, its possible that they are depressed. Again, check with your doctor or a mental health professional or a trusted advisor about how you might approach your friend about getting help or treatment.
- If your friend is hot and cold, sometimes warm and sometimes mean and rejecting, you have a right to set limits on what you'll accept and let your friend know what your limits are. If they're not willing to abide by your limits, you need to make decisions to protect yourself from poor treatment. For instance, spend time with them when they are pleasant, and when they're not, let them know that their behavior isn't working for you right then and leave. You can try again later.
- Above all, be grown up and be honest. Read books about relationships and communication and healthy boundaries and mental health. If you want to stay friends with a person who is under a lot of distress, going through psychological problems, or not wanting to be as close as you are, it is a great opportunity for you to learn and practice being compassionate, honest, assertive and non-judgmental and setting healthy boundaries. If the friendship just isn't going to work for you, it is also a good opportunity to learn how to end a friendship in an honest and respectful way.
Warnings
- If you find your friend talking about committing suicide, tell your friend's family, or another trusted adult or mental health or medical professional immediately!
- If your friend is acting out in an emotionally or physically or verbally abusive way, get out of there! Do not try to calm them down. You may get hurt. Again, tell someone and if necessary for the protection of your friend and others, call a community police officer or crisis center.
Related wikiHows
- How to Make Friends
- How to Be Friends With Everyone
- How to Turn Enemies Into Friends
- How to Choose a Gift for Your Friends
- How to Deal With Poisonous Friends
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